It is not surprising to any of us that people from different areas of your country or even the world, can communicate in the same language, but still miss appropriate cultural means of communicating.  When I was very little, my parents taught me that when I needed to go to the bathroom, rather than say words that more clearly would indicate what I was actually going to do, I was taught to tell my parents I needed “to go #1” if I had to urinate or tell them I needed “to go #2” if I had to have a bowel movement. In my part of the USA, that is what I learned and that is also what I taught my children.

My wife and children and I moved to a different part of the USA and one day when my daughter was very young, she had a friend over. Suddenly, while playing, her little friend came up to me quite frantic, exclaiming, “BM, BM.” I had no idea what she was so excited about, so I just said, “Yes, BM, BM.” After some minutes of her exasperation it finally dawned on me that she needed to BM (have a bowel movement)!  Thankfully, no accidents!  We missed on cultural communication!!

When discussing culture and adapting to new cultures (and even communicating in different cultures), I often refer to the Titanium Rule, which says, “treat others the way THEY want to be treated,”vs the Golden Rule which says, “treat others the way YOU want to be treated.” Of course, learning to do this requires strengths in EQ qualities like self- awareness, flexibility and adaptability, just to name a few.

This summer, over thirty Chinese students will come to the USA as part of our summer leadership development program, Passages.  They will need to activate EQ qualities mentioned above. One area where they may see cultural differences is in the area of “Being Likable.” What makes someone likable in China may not be the same as what makes someone likeable in the U.S.

I recently came across an article in Fast Company entitled, “Seven Habits of Likable People.” I want to summarize and condense the article, here, as “Six Habits….. and make some personal notations. This article is sound advice for any foreigner coming to work/live or tour in the USA.

Before I summarize, let’s be clear that being likable really is to your advantage. Likable people get more and better job offers, they are deemed more credible by others and they are more likely to be forgiven for mistakes made. It is to your advantage to be liked, in any culture. So, what are the six qualities?

1. They Speak Kindly About Others: Studies show that when you speak kindly about others, the people you are speaking to at the time will generally attribute the positive qualities you are saying about others back on to you.
2. They Are Authentic: Being fake or perceived as fake in U.S culture is a big turn off. Being both honest and comfortable with who you are, both strengths and weaknesses, is attractive to others.
3. They Are Good Listeners: I recently read in a Harvard Business Review article that successful people tend to be “curious” people. They love to ask questions and learn, even about others. Make it your goal to listen more than you speak.
4. They Prioritize Relationships: Researchers at MIT have found that upbeat people who are sincerely interested in what other people have to say have natural charisma, and they’re successful in negotiations and presentations. They want to know others and others tend to want to know them.
5. They Share the Spotlight: If they are honored or given credit for something, they turn around and credit others who may have been involved. I watch a lot of sports. I despise it when an athlete who is given an honor takes credit solely to themselves without crediting their teammates, friends, family or even their opponent. But, I am so impressed when the first words that follow one giving praise to them is when they quickly pass on that credit and praise to others.
6. They Are Vulnerable: We often fear that being honest about our failures or weaknesses will cause others to not like us. Rather, the opposite is true. What we often fear: being exposed for who we truly are, is actually a pathway to freedom and honesty. When failures and weaknesses are brought into the light, they can be identified and addressed by ourselves and others. I can’t think of a time in my life where I looked down on someone for displaying vulnerability, BUT I can think of many times I lost respect for someone who wasn’t honest about their weaknesses or failures. When someone is trying to protect their image, it isn’t at all attractive.

If you can master these six characteristics, you will no doubt be well liked in the U.S.