As a young child, I desperately wanted my father’s approval. If we were playing sports in the neighborhood and I felt my father overlooked me or did not esteem me higher than other children, I would cry and walk home.

As a sophomore in high school, I decided to run track. My father loved his sons playing sports, so he ardently followed us to most every competition throughout the year: American football, basketball, track and baseball. If we participated, he was there. At my first track meet, my first time running the mile run, in competition, I broke the 19-year-old school record (to everyone’s surprise, including mine). I remember the day vividly, not because of the record itself, but rather the response it produced in my father. He enthusiastically rushed from the stands to meet me, after the race, his eyes filled with tears of pride for my accomplishment. His response showed me what this triumph meant to him.

In America, if you ask parents what they want for their children, more than 90 percent will say one of their top desires is that their children be caring. Caring for others is a virtue held in high esteem throughout the world, so this is no surprise.  But, when children are asked what they think their parents want for them, over 81 percent said their parents value achievement and personal happiness OVER being caring.

Why? Likely, because there is a disconnect between what we as parents say is important vs what we actually celebrate as important with our children.  Our words stress the importance of kindness, but our actions tell our kids that what is important is achievement.

In an insightful article I recently read, by Adam and Allison Grant, they shared an insight they gained in helping to combat this problem. They noticed that dinnertime conversation usually revolved around them asking their children:

• How did you do on your test today?
• How did your team do in the competition you had?

They decided these questions communicated to their children the importance of achievement, not kindness. So, they changed the questions and began to ask:

• What did you do to help others today?

They also shared their own examples of what they (as parents) did to help others that day.

This is a great way to communicate and demonstrate the value of kindness to your children.

Being socially responsible and caring about others is a key component of a high EQ. You cannot be tremendously successful without it. The Grants point out:

• Boys rated most helpful by their kindergarten teachers earn more money 30 years later
• Middle-school students who cooperate with peers get better grades and standardized test scores
• In adulthood, caring people earn higher incomes, better performance reviews and more promotions than their less generous peers

So, if you want to raise children with a high EQ, start by asking yourself, what am I valuing, as their parent? If it is not caring and kindness, how about trying some of these ideas to change it?          Keep ascending!